JoChRenAH

One of the best days of my life was when i'm still part of the angelean community. During those days i experienced lot of things, one of this experience was when i met five individuals who eventually became part of me, forever.

I first met jossah when she was still grade 5, way back february 2003, i was then having my on the job training at jmpatrich school which later renamed as holy angels academy of pulilan. She was known to me to be bubbly and wacky. She was the official joker of their class and also the headache of her teachers. But despite of these, she became close to me, she gave me respect and i gave her my attention. She is someone who can you count on anytime... our big friend... and our "bogz"...

I met chamine when they were still second year. She transferred from a chinese school, and i became a private tutor of his two brothers sherwin and stevee. This lass is so brainy, a well off girl but yet so humble. We shared so many moments. I love her as my sis, i really treasured the times that we were together, specially when i spent christmas and new year with them. She and her siblings are just like my family... she is my one and only "achi"...

Just like cham, saren was a transferee student when they were second year. Another brainy kid. I love her so much. She never left me during my most troubled times. She never let me feel that no one seems to believe on me. During one of my darkest days, she was the only one who remained and stood beside me. I am her big bro and she is forever my little sis, forever my little angel and my "bunso"...

Andrea, is my princess, the official kikay of JoChRenAH, a girl that can't live without blush-on. She is always in-love. I love her sweetness, her laugh and her aura. Andeng, as we her, is someone who you can talk with and can pour your heart out. The girly girl of them all...our little princess "andeng"...

Hannah, my dearest hannah. This bubbly girl catches my heart. Her smile melt my heart. Her tenderness let me feel at ease. This hardworking young lady is someone who can put her dreams into reality. She is my little darling angel...

These young ladies, are always a part of me. Wherever i will go, they will always be my angels and I will always their big bro... no matter what... through times... through distance...

...i love you guys...

...i love you and i swear it is true...

...i never felt strong feeling like this before... i don't know but something in you changed my life... my day is incomplete without thinking of you...
you are the air that i breath... you occupied the every inch of my damn world... you bring blue back into the sky...

...everyday as i open my eyes... i want to see the beauty of your face... hear the sound of your voice... and feel the beat of your heart, as i hold you in my arms forever...

...i know that it will take time before i let you know how i feel... but my love is so strong and i can wait...

...didipio...

...sa unang dinig ko sa lugar na didipio, inakala ko na isang pangkaraniwang libilib na lugar lamang ito na puno ng katutubong tribo… September, 2008 nang una akong makapunta sa didipio, yun ay bilang paghahanda ko sa nalalapit na pagkadestino ko… namangha ako sa ganda ng didipio, sa klima nito at sa mga tao na nakatira dito… una kong napansin sa kanila ang kaugalian nila sa “pagnganganga”, nagulat ako dahil kahit sa mga bata ay maraming gumagawa nito… napaisip ako sa tagpong ito… ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng nag-nganganga…

…October, 2007 ng madestino na ako sa didipio, sinimulan kong pag-aralan ang kultura ng mga taga-didipio… dahil sa pag-aaral na ito… namulat ako sa isang napakakulay na kultura, ang kanilang kaugalian, halimbawa na lang sa kasalan at sa pagbibigay ng huling pag-galang sa namayapa nilang mahal sa buhay ay ibang-iba sa nakaugalian ko… ang kanilang kapaligiran at ang kanilang komunidad ay tila isang bagong libro na aking binabasa… ang kanilang maburol na pamayanan ay nag-aanyaya sa mga taong gusting makipagniig sa kalikasan at makipag-isang dibdib sa malamig na simoy ng hangin… ang bawat dampi ng patak ng ulan sa tuwing umuulan sa aking balat ay tila lumilinis sa aking puso dahil sa kadalisayan nito,… ang bawat pagbulong ng hangin sa tuwing dapithapon ay tila isang piping musika na dumadaloy sa iyong diwa… sa taas ng mga burol, matatagpuan mo ang di matatawarang kapayapaan ng loob at katahimikan na gumagamot at nag-papaalis sa kapagalan ng iyong katawan… tila bang nag-aanyaya ang tunog ng lagaslas ng tubig na malayang umaagos sa ilog na ikaw ay umindak sa saliw ng musika ng kalikasan…

…isang pambihirang pag-kakataon sa akin na marating ang lugar na ito, ang maranasang makisalamuha sa mga tao duon na nagbigay sa akin ng kakaibang karanasan…

…iyan ang didipio….

...the greatest tatay in the world...

...usually, in a typical story about broken family, the father is always the cause of the wreckage or the protagonist. well in my case, my father is the main character...

...since i was a little tyke, i am used to only have my father by my side... he was the one who pinned my first academic medal... the one who bought my first toy... and the one whom i shared my first paycheck...

...many of my friends asked me why i always endear my tatay... well there is only one plain answer for that... he is the best tatay in the world... he let me feel that i am not incomplete... he worked hard so he can bring the best on us... though he was the strickest person i ever met, but also he is the sweetest person i ever encountered... when i was still in school, he was my greatest cheerer and fan when i am joining academic contests and he was so proud of me...

... i like the way he tickle me in my ears... when i am home, his constant expression is "ano gusto mong ulam", for he knows that i love to eat... he is my txtmate, my phonepal, my buddy and my companion...

...his friends and our relatives urged him to take another wife but he only replied "para ano? para kawawain mga anak ko"... to him once is enough and his children are enough for him to continue his life...

...my father loves me very much, i feel it, and the feeling is mutual, i also love him above all...

...so if you're going to ask me if who is the best tatay in the world... well with matching "taas noo", si rogger po iyon... ang tatay kong astig...

...pulilan carabao festival goes spectacular...

...May 14, 2008, the grand parade for this year's Pulilan Carabao Festival... and guess what? it went spectacular!!!! hmmm, the festival was actually may 6-15, 2008... the night before the grand parade, i roamed around the trade fair, and i got my henna tattoo that night in right my leg (a tribal design)... early next morning, the festivity spirit was on the air, the two national morning shows (unang hirit - gma and magandang umaga pilipinas - abs-cbn) was there to cover the event... almost 20 marching bands were also there to participate in the grand parade... people begun to flocked on the streets waiting for the most anticipated parade in town... at around two in the afternoon, the parade started... it was led by the local officials, festival officials and parish officials and together with them was no other than MMDA chairman bayani fernando, that delegation was followed by the different marching bands, the k9 dogs, the pinoy big brother teen edition plus evictees (housemates and guardians) and the different floats pulled by carabao, and OMG, also there was the gorgeous Iya Villania, after the bands and floats there came the true "bida" of the festival, the carabaos...

...numbers of carabaos participated in the parade together with their masters... the crowd shouted with joy, they were screaming "luhod! luhod!", urging the master to make their beast to kneel.. but the climax of the parade was all the carabaos kneeled in front of the parish church of San Isidro Labarador, the patron saint of the farmers...

... i was unlucky i have to go back to quirino immediately after the parade, i wasnt able to catch the "sun invasion in pulilan concert", i heard iya and brown man revival was there... hmmmmmm sayang!!!!

...semana santa sa pulilan...

...as usual, umuwi ako ng pulilan ng myerkules santo, pahinga ng sandali at gumala na kaagad, punta ako kila regina, tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa, duon ako nananghalian at tuwang tuwa si nanay nita dahil tumaba ako (syanga pala, si regina pala ang kasangga ko at kaututang dila, hehehehe) after nun, kwentuhan, kwentuhan at nagkasundo kami na kila jeng2x kami tatambay sa good friday dahil manunuod kami ng penitensya...

...kinabukasan ng gabi, holy thursday, nagvisita iglesias kami, pumunta kami sa simbahan sa baliuag, sa plaridel, san rafael, guiguinto at sa tatlong parish church sa pulilan (sto. cristo, miracullous medallion at san isidro), dapat daw kasi pitong simbahan para makumpleto mo, natapos kami ng alas tres na ng madaling-araw...

...good friday, kila jeng2 kami tumambay, dumating din si kare, noel, aizel, at kuya bhong, nanuod kami ng penitensya at nagkainan kami hanggang hapon, mga four na ng hapon kami umalis, six ng gabi ngkita-kita ulit kami para sa prusisyon, ang layo ng inikutan ng prusisyon napagod ako kaagad kaya ang ginawa ko, umuwi ako sa amin at duon ko inantay ang prusisyon, nanuod na lang ako, whehehehehe, wais ata ito... nung black saturday, tambay lang ako sa bahay, patay daw si Kristo kaya bawal daw mag-ingay at gumala, kinabukasan, madaling araw ako nagising para manuod ng "salubungan", after ng salubong nagkaroon ng fire works display, ang saya... after nun, tulog ulit ng kaunti at pumunta na ako sa villa remedios resort para sa easter sunday happening namin, swimming, kainan ulit at kantahan buong maghapon, after nun nagsimba ako, and guess what? nakakuha ako ng easter egg sa ilalim ng upuan na inuupuan ko, pero binigay ko sa batang katabi ko (bait ko ano)...

...ang saya sana ano, kaya lang kinabukasan kelangan ko nang bumalik sa quirino, as usual, back to work na naman... sana bakasyon ulit... hehehehehe...

...byaheng talbec...

...byahe na naman!!! this time sa tlbec kami, pumunta, gabi na kami dumating dun kaya wala gaanong nangyari kundi bonfire tapos konting shot (lasenggo talaga)...

...kinabukasan, maaraw na pero napakalamig pa rin, ang daming pine trees, ang bango ng hangin... sunod namin pinuntahan ang ilog, ang linis at ang sarap magtampisaw... bago kami maligo sa ilog, pumunta muna kami sa hanging bridge... after nun, naligo na kamim sa ilog... ang sarap ng lamig ng tubig... ang tagal kong naglunoy sa tubig... after nun, umakyat kami sa mataas na parte ng bundok at nakipanuod sa isang bahay duon ng laban ni pacquiao (hehehehehe, dumayo pa ng pakikinood)...

...napakasariwa ng hangin, at ang pinakamasarap sa lahat ay ang tinapang baboy ramo, hahahahahaha, puro pagkain talaga ang alam ko, jejejejeje...

...ilang oras lang kami na naglagi sa talbec, pero ang sarap sarap ng pakiramdam ko dahil sa sariwang sariwa ang hangin... nung pauwi na kami, dumaan kami sa simbahan ng san nicolas de tolentino, sa carangalan at sa viewers' deck sa dalton pass... ang saya talaga...

...home sweet home...

december 28, 2008, kagagaling lang ng lobo, derecho sa terminal ng bus. next destination ko? masbate!!!! pagdating ko sa terminal, agawan na ng masasakyan. naghanap ako ng byaheng pilar sorsogon, at sa kamalasmalasan nga naman at wala ng byaheng pilar, wala akong choice kundi sumakay ng byahe bulan, sorsogon. akala ko hanggang dun na lang ang kamalasan na mangyayari sa akin, ang hindi ko alam, yun pa lang pala ang simula. pagdating sa SLEX, nagkabuholbuhol ang mga sasakyan sa sobrang traffic, halos 2 hours kaming nastuck sa slex, nang sa wakas nalampasan namin ang mahabang traffic, mejo nakatulog ako sa byahe. around 11 ng gabi, huminto ang bus na sinasakyan ko, yun pala, nag-overheat ang bus (kung minamalas ka nga naman), buti na lang after 30 minutes naayos din ang bus, nakarating kami ng bulan, sorsogon mga bandang alas dose ng tanghali nung december 29, 2007(grabe 14 hours na byahe), txt kaagad ako sa tatay ko (nauna na kasi sya sa masbate, gumala pa kasi ako sa lobo, hehehehe) para abangan nila ako sa pantalan ng dimasalang, masbate, yun kasi ang pinakamalapit. ngreply na antayin daw nila ako dun. kumain muna ako ng lunch bago tumuloy sa pantalan ng bulan para dun sumakay ng ferry boat papuntang dimasalang, masbate. ang sarap ng kain ko kasi ang pinili kong ulam ay yung ginataang pagi. akala ko wala ng kamalasan na darating sa akin, kaya lang pagdating ko ng pantalan, nakaalis na pala ang huling ferry na byabyahe papuntang dimasalang, huhuhuhu. pero di ako nawalan ng pag-asa, may lumapit sa akin na mama, may byabyahe daw na maliit na ferry, kaya lang sa masbate proper dadaong, mas malayo yun kaysa sa dimasalang. pero ala na akong choice kundi kagatin yung offer na yun. ittxt ko na sana ang tatay ko na sa masbate city na lang ako antayin ng bigla akong nalowbatt (wahhhhhhh, malas talaga). pagdating ko sa masbate city, nine na ng gabi, wala ng byahe papuntang cataingan, masbate. nilakasan ko na ang loob ko, punta ako sa opisina ng montenegro linings at nakicharge ako, buti na lang mabait yung gwardya (thank you po manoy). nung binuksan ko cp ko, daming txt ni tatay, "josen asan ka na" "josen asan ka na" josen ka na", call kaagad ako, sabi ko nasa masbate city ako, sabi nila sunduin nila ako dun, habang nag-aantay, naghapunan muna ako, kaya after 1 hour na pg-aantay, dumating na rin ang sundo ko, sa wakas. nakatulog ako pagdating sa bahay ng tita ko sa sobrang pagod.

kinabukasan, december 30, 2007, kwentuhan, kainan at nagdatingan mga pinsan ko. tuwang tuwa ako sa ibang pinsan ko na may mga asawa na at niloloko ako kung kelan daw ako susunod, sabi ko pag nakita ko na ang babaeng magmamahal sa akin (corny ko ano). after nun, gumala kami, pinuntahan ko mga kaibigan ko doon at katulad ng mga pinsan ko, may mga asawa na rin sila (mukhang napag-iiwanan na talaga ako).

december 31, 2007, last day ng year 2007, naghahanda kami sa pagsalubong sa year 2008, nagtulongtulong kami sa pagluluto, at ang pinakabest sa lahat, naglechon ang tito ko, hehehehe. kinagabihan, nagsimba kaming lahat at pagkatapos nanuod kami ng fireworks display sa park. pagkatapos nun, umuwi na kami at pinagsaluhan ang mga pagkain na niluto namin. yung mga "wala pang sabit" na tulad ko, di pa nakuntento after ng ilang "shot" pumunta kami sa municipal auditorium na may sayawan, at duon nagpakalunod kami sa kakaparty.

sa unang araw ng 2008, nagdecide ako na dalawin ang dati kong school at mga dating kong kaklase. una kong pinuntahan, ang buenavista, yung dati kong school, wala kahit isang tao, ako lang ang andun. ewan ko ba, iba ang pakiramdam ko nung mga oras na iyon, parang bigla ko na lang naalala lahat ng mga pinaggagagawa ko nung high school pa ako. una kong sinilip yung room ko nung first year ako, napakaraming ala-ala na nakatago sa room na iyon. ang adviser namin na lagi kaming pinapagalitan at kung ano-ano pa. sunod kong pinuntahan yung room namin nung second year, d2 ko nareceived yung una kong certificate of merits, nung manalo ako ng 3rd place sa essay writing nutrition month (hehehehehe) at yun yung taon na natnggap ako sa school paper namin (proud to be vistanian). after nun, magkasunod kong pinuntahan yung room namin nung third year at fourth year pati yung vista office. after nun, naupo ako sa isang bench, ang laki na ng pagbabago nung school namin. may kasiyahan akong naramdaman nung mga oras na iyon, at di ko namalayan tumutulo na pala ang luha ko. ang eskwelahan na iyon, ang daming ala-al, dito ako unang na-inlove, una kong iniyakan ang mga kaibigan ko at "ka-ibigan", dito ko natutunan ang tunay na pagkakaibigan, kung paano magparaya at kung ano ang tunay na buhay. parang nananauli ang lakas sa katawan ko, ang tagal ng panahon na inasam ko ang sandaling ito. naibulong ko ang isang pasasalamat para sa lugar na ito, ang lugar na nagsilbing kanlungan ng mga dati kong munting mga pangarap. natigil ang emote moment ko (jejejeje) ng magtxt pinsan ko, "insan, sunod ka d2, nasa beach kami". kaya sumunod ako sa kanila at ngpakasaya kami maghapon.

Kinabukasan, habang papaalis ang sinasakyan naming ferry boat, pinagmasdan ko ng matagal ang Masbate, ang lugar na naging tahanan ko sa loob ng anim na taon, ang lugar kung saan ako natuto na lumaban sa hamon ng buhay. di ko pa alam kung kelan ulit ako makakabalik sa lugar na iyon. alam ko malalayo na naman ako sa lugar na ito, ngunit sa puso ko, mananatili kong tahanan ang Masbate. hanggang sa muli, Masbate, asahan mo at pangako ko, babalik ako... sa iyo...

...trip to lobo...

December 27, 2008, i woke up 4 in the morning and fixed my self for an out of town trip. know what? we're going to lobo, batanggas. i waited for abby at the gasoline station and after a few minutes she arrived and together we ate "goto" for breakfast at the "palengke" while waiting for kuya rox.

after 30 minutes, kuya rox arrived with her wife ate dolor, and their kids blessie and carl, also with them was kuya chris. we left pulilan at around five in the morning. we arrived in lobo at around nine in the morning and waiting for us was a bountiful breakfast (penaes, tulingan, adobo, bulanglang and sinangag) prepared by kuya boy and pareng oda. after breakfast, we went to pareng oda's place and there we ate buko and dalanghita (takaw ko, walang kabusugan). we also went roaming around their village. and then came lunch, whewwwww, sinigang na sugpo with steamed tilapia? what could i ask for? jejejejeje, i almost ran out of my breath eating, jejejejeje (takaw talaga). after lunch, we went to the beach and enjoyed the beauty of it. we also had some bottles of beer (or should i say some cases of beer) with matching mouth wartering steamed chicken cooked by pareng oda. we really savored the beach, we sang all night and the best part was i drank to much beer (lasenggero), hahahahahaha.

well, it is not the food and the drinks that i really enjoyed, but it is the hospitality that our hosts showed us. i discovered that kuya boy (our very own boy diesel) is a very good cook. his wife, ate miriam, is one of a kind. she never forget to let us feel at home. pareng oda, was also a very good host. and most of all, lobo is a very beautiful place. you can feel the freshness of its air and the peacefulness in the atmosphere. there is a welcoming ambiance in every corner of the place. there is something in lobo that makes you feel at home.

my mother is a huge joke

Well who said that only movie can have a tragic and dramatic setting in life? Hmmm, I prove you wrong. Well, sad to say, I am one of those individual who belongs to what they called “broken family”. My mother abandoned us when I’m just a little kid. At first, there was no impact on me; I thought I’m just like other kids and I had what also they had. Then things begun to change, I am wondering why it was my father who always attended my every PTA meeting in school, why he was the one who pinned my first academic medal and many sorts of why. I asked him why did my mother was not around and told me that she was away to find her own happiness. My father did not want me wish to know what really happened; only my grandma told me why my mother left us. And from that day, I learned to hate my mother. I keep wondering why she did it to us. She did not even care for us. I waited for years for her coming back, but I got tired from waiting for nothing. I told to myself, she not worth us, besides, I have still my father. A father who did not forget to care for us, who loved and continues to love us more than his self. He sacrificed his own happiness for us.

Ask me what if one day my mother turns into our doorstep, what am I going to do? Hmmmm, maybe I will slam the door right under her face, joke! Honestly, I don’t know what am I going to do. Maybe, time only knows what will happen… and only time can heal the wound that keeps hurting inside me.

lorelie

December 28, 2004

It was one cold Tuesday afternoon when I was sitting on the grass of the school ground. The same school ground where I spent days full of excitement, tears and fun. I had just arrived from Bulacan and taking a short vacation to a place where I called home, and it is true that there is no other place like home.

I was reminiscing the days I spent in that school, then after a short while, I opened my backpack and pulled a photo album from it. One by one I scanned the content of that album; suddenly a particular photo caught my attention. It was an old photo of mine with my friend Lorelie. It was taken during our Christmas party when were still senior high school. I smiled as I saw my self on the picture. There is the “chinito” boy who was always mistaken to be a chinoy, the same boy who caused too much headache to our high school mentors. Beside on that boy is the girl that I always think of (oh don’t be too malicious, it is not because I love her, but yes I love her and it is because she’s my girl best friend). I smiled as I affectionately ran my finger on her face in that picture.

Back when were still high schools, at first I didn’t expect to have Lorelie as one of my close friends. When were still freshmen, we’re classmates but we’re not pals. Until when we were in junior class, the story had begun. We became seatmates, me, Lorelie and my best buddy, Wardax (but that guy is another story). I had begun to tell her stories and she begun to listen. When it’s her turn to tell stories, I listened attentively. Her smile made me smile. Her laugh made me laugh. But hey, I had this experience, when she got the top mark in delivering the speech “the search for peace”. Because of her excitement she kissed me on my cheek, oh well that is my first kiss from a girl (hehehehehehe). Days passed and even she had her own circle of friends and I had mine too, we do find ways to spend time with each other.

In our final year in high school, our friendship intensified (oh wow what a choice of word! INTENSIFIED!). She joined Miss Uson and I personally wrote her a declamation piece for her talent (I can’t recall the title anymore, but it is something about the abu sayaff, if I’m not mistaken). Even she did not got the title she won the second place and I am very proud of her. We used to be group mates in cooking class in THE, we spent time cooking maja, puto sosyal, fish balls and the like. We argue with each other during class hours in debate and class discussions, but outside the classroom, were still friends. And wait, she even tell me stories about her suitor, if I still remember that guy’s name is Richmond Arcillas. She helped me solved math and physics problems (I hate those subjects), she even let me copy her assignment (hehehehe). But the things in her that I love most is the way she talk, the way she walk and the way she made me smile. And yes, she’s definitely had space in my heart. I love her and I will always love her.

There were times when I asked myself, what if I did not let a great person like Lorelie crossed unto my path, is it everything still the same. Then I realized that if she did not come into my life, maybe I missed half of my lifetime. And if I’m going to choose another sister, I will ask God to have her.

Lorelie? Who is she? She’s a girl (but definitely a woman now) who touched my life and will always be part of it.

bukangliwayway

...minsan ko nang napagmasdan ang unti-unting pagsikat ng araw sa isang bukang liwayway…kasabay nito…ang haring araw ay umuupo na sa kanyang tronong ulap… kapagdaka’y ang lamig na aking nadarama ay unti-unting napapalis dala ng init ng sinag ng isang magandang umaga…

…sa pagbubukas ng isang araw… panibagong pakikibaka na naman ang aking kahaharapin at aking dapat pagtagumpayan…

…sa pakikibakang ito, naranasan ko ang mabigo at magtagumpay, madapa at muling bumangon, masaktan at makasakit, umibig at ibigin…

…sa bawat pagpintig ng oras… nararamdaman ko ang pagbabagong lumulukob sa aking pagkatao… animo isa akong bakal na unti unting pinapanday ng panahon… ang aking loob ay pinapatatag ng bawat pagsubok na aking napagtatagumpayan…

…mahaba ang aking tinahak at mas mahaba pa ang aking tatahakin… mahirap at masukal ang landas na aking dadaanan… ngunit alam kong kayak o ito…

…sa pagdatal ng dapit hapon… unti-unting binabalot ng dilim at ng lamig ang aking paligid… ngunit hindi ako mangangamba dahil may pag-ibig nag-aalab na aagaw sa akin sa kadiliman at magbibigay init sa aking katauhan…

…pagsapit ng dilim… may mga bagay na naman na magiging bahagi na lang ng aking kahapon… at mula dito… aantayin ko na naman na dumating ang isang bagong bukang liwayway… at ng isang bagong bukas…

is it really goodbye

March 14, 2007

...maybe the hardest thing that a person can do is to abandon the things you are used to do...just like leaving behind the person you used to care...parting words are just like knives...little by little it will tear u apart... it is hard for us to wake up in the morning...knowing that we are going to face another day without the friends you used to spend your day with... how can you face the fact that you're not physically apart...you bumped him or her on the hallway... but you both acted like you’re a complete strangers to each other... you’re in the same place...but emotionally you're miles away to each other...you reminisce the day that you're together... feeling sorry for the things that had happened... but still you cant work things out... you feel incomplete because something is in you is missing... there is laughter and smile in your face... but there is loneliness in your heart and tears in your eyes... you have to pretend that everything is OK even without him or her...but the laughter in your face is not enough to hide what really your heart says... you long for the companion of others... it is not because you want to forget him or her... but to ease the pain and loneliness... maybe friendship is not strong enough why everything fails... yes, saying goodbye is a beginning of a new chapter of one's life... but saying goodbye sometimes can cause great sorrow... can bring pain... can destruct you totally... and can make you miserable for the rest of your life... i hope that this time as i say "goodbye", it signifies new beginning in my life...

...goodbye or not goodbye... it doesn’t matter anymore...

deep inside me

March 13, 2007

...tears in my eyes again... though you see me happy...but deep inside of me is sorrow... i want to end this dispute...but do i have to make the first move?... do i have to surrender my pride?... why i have to?... after all its not my fault... but, can i still continue face another day full of pretension... i am just like a clown... wearing a mask that is not conveying the true feeling that my heart shouting of... i am ballistic... i am full of hatred... but i learned to treat him as my brother... as part of my life... i want to undo the things that parted us... maybe some other time... maybe it is not yet time... or maybe it is not really God's will to let us be good friends again... i really want to make all things in order... i am hoping... but i learned not to expect to much...

reaching out

March 12, 2007

...trying to reconnect?...just like a disconnected pc on the net...we tried to continue the friendship that was shattered by hatred and misunderstanding...having the first move... it is hard for me to do it...knowing that i am the one who had been insulted... had been abandoned...but sometimes...even it is not literally reaching out...you have to make moves to convey your willingness to make up...to solve the misunderstandings...and to glue up a strong foundation of friendship... reaching out... letting the bad memories go... and leaving the nightmares behind... maybe, we can do it... i hope so....

i'm broken

March 10, 2007

...just like a broken glass...a part of myself is missing...i don’t know how to make it, again, complete...maybe physically i am whole...but something in me is nowhere to find...i want to be reunited with the missing particle of my soul...i am devastated...i feel that i am alone...that no one seems to understand me...to care for me...to love me...i hate being all by myself...don’t let me feel this feeling...what i need is your trust...your understanding...your affection...

...i want your assurance...that you will be on my side...to walk in the path of life with me...maybe centrum can make me physically complete...but what i need is YOU...let me feel complete...

it hurts you know

March 2, 2007

Maybe being depressed is a way to be happy. Life maybe unfair, it does not give you the things you think you really deserve. Sometimes you used to believe that God only exists just to give us burden. We are forced to believe that the only reason why we are alive is because of the trials and obstacles that God may give us. We gave our best, but still we failed. We tried to reach out, but still the things or the persons we are trying to hold seem unreachable. But looking on the bright side of life, it is lucky enough for us to wake up everyday, to start a new thing. It is wonderful enough to hear the soft chirping of the birds. It is great enough for us to love and to be loved. We exist to love but we don’t have to expect anything in return. Maybe it is our goal to let the people we care how we love them. Trust, affection and understanding, these are the essential things for strong friendship. Maybe we forced to something terrible because of unavoidable circumstances and we are left alone in nowhere, misunderstood and being hated. Even they cannot see your point, but still we have to admit that we cannot please them. The only thing that we can do is to let them go. Move on, face the reality that sometimes and somehow we have to take different paths. Somehow, someday if the friendship is true and strong enough, fate will destine to reunite the souls who were shattered by misunderstanding. We have to be strong; God only measures our strength and faith. Think positive, for we don’t know, at the end of the path you had taken, something or someone is waiting for you.

i'm different

January 19, 2007

...maybe I'm different from the others...i may be too sensitive...yes but there’s nothing you can do about it...this is me...it's my life...what i am asking for is your respect...i love being treated for what is due to me...i love being myself...i dont want to wear mask just to convey an identity that will satisfy your senses...my mind is set on being what i am...